Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Foot Vigorously Defends Chick Band

In typical KAR fashion, LearnedFoot responds to my entirely reasonable criticism of his greatest heavy metal song poll by skirting the issue and coming completely unglued. Rather than presenting a justifiable argument why Van Bertinelli should be considered heavy metal - when it is clearly not! - he instead prefers to denigrate, name-call, and play the marginally humorous yet tired "FAIL" card.


About the closest he ever comes to a real argument is in asking, "If Van Halen isn't metal, then [sic] what the hell is the Scorpions?"

Of course, he's just being obtuse because he got nailed trying to include a chick band in a metal poll. But in case he's not, I'll make it plain.

It's a matter of "chunk." While Eddie Van Boozehound was busy making his annoying little sound effects and using two hands to play things metal guitarists play with one, the Scorpions were devoting themselves to bringing bone rattling, open-string drones, as later perfected in triplet form by Iron Maiden, and sped up to a thousand miles an hour by Metallica. At any speed, it's metal.

Oh sure, Van Clarinet would toss you some chunk once in a while, but it doesn't make them metal, anymore than occasionally proving you are more intelligent than Nick Coleman makes you actually smart.

Responding to the factual assertion that Alice Cooper sucks, Foot writes:

And that's why to this day every single student in grades 6 through 12 sings Napalm Death when the final bell of the school year rings.

As I alluded to in my original post, indeed, School's Out is much beloved by gawky, zit covered losers exactly one day a year. I concede the point. But 12th grade? Come on. While I have no doubt Foot did indeed partake at that late age, by then just about everyone else had figured out only dorks with "chick magnet" t-shirts think that's cool.

Even so, it's a long way to "greatest ever" contender, which is perhaps a distinction best left to someone who didn't actually did walk down a high school hallway in parachute pants, fist in the air, singing "Schooooool....sout...for...summa!"

Context is everything. In this case, once it's added it has to be asked if, despite an admirable devotion to Iron Maiden, Foot is really qualified to conduct such a poll.

Put another way, it's kind of like having a shut-in conduct a poll on the hottest place to meet girls.

UPDATE: Reader Boz agrees. He e-mails:

Hey at least hes got a few really good ones there....Hallowed be thy name.....great tune!

As they say, even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while.

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