Exposing the Republican Elf Cabal

This column seems appropriate in light of taday's revelation that the Abramoff investigation will be distinctly bi-partisan.

Democrats are ringing their hands with glee now that Jack Arbamoff has plead guilty and exposed the Republican “culture of corruption.” The glee may be short-lived though, as an army of corrupt Republican elves (Is there any other kind?) have been busy behind the scenes spreading that corruption to otherwise innocent Democrats.

Take Minnesota for instance. Over the course of the last few years the corruption elves surreptitiously filled the campaign coffers of many well known members of the “squeaky clean” party and other non-Republican candidates for sainthood.

James Oberstar’s bank account magically grew by $3,500 since 1999, thanks to a sprinkling of pixie dust when he wasn’t looking. Likewise, Bill Luther has $2,250 in magic fairy money that I’ll bet he doesn’t even know exists. The elves probably over-reached though, when they twitched their noses and $1,000 appeared in Paul Wellstone’s account. Paul Wellstone would never take money from the likes of Abramoff. Never!

The cute little devils have also been hard at work on the state Democratic Party, singing cutesy elf songs as they riddled its accounts with no less than $9,000 in contributions from Abramoff and his wealthy clients.

Thanks to Republicans and their army of felonous fairies, it now appears as though non-Republicans in Minnesota received $18,750 in Abramoff Elf Bucks. Contrarily, Republicans received $4,000 in the same time period, over 4.5 times less.

On a national level, while Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid was touting the Abramoff scandal as Republican corruption at its most pure, the tiny traitors were placing more than $68,000 elf bucks in his account. The Great Emancipator, John Kerry, had at least $100,000 mysteriously put into his coffers while he was speaking “truth to power,” to some downtrodden class of the dissaffected.

All in all, 40 of the 45 Democratic members of the senate were tricked by the elves, including brave corruption warriors like Barbara Boxer (over $20,000), Hillary Clinton (over $12,000), and the bravest of the brave, Chuck Schumer (over $29,000).

The real “culture of corruption” as it turns out, appears far more about congress as a whole and not a specific party.

Politicians from both parties, and in both houses, will be affected by their associations with Abramoff and his clients. But that is not what Democrats and the media have been saying for the last year is it? This is supposed to be a Republican scandal, Republican ethics problems, and Republican greed. E.J. Dionne Jr.’s column in the Star Tribune Sunday doesn’t mention Democrats once, despite an estimated $1.5 million sent the party’s way. Same goes for Maureen Down in the Pioneer Press on Monday.

Apparently they, and many others, misunderestimated the power of Republicans and their cabal of corrupt castoffs from Kris Kringle corner. Conveniently placing Abramoff’s Elf Bucks in the accounts of unsuspecting, totally innocent, above reproach, and ethics driven Democrats since at least 1999.