The Dog Won't Hunt

Space is at a premium this week and I don't think there will be room for my column. But hey, that's why the blogosphere is so cool.

Watching liberals in ‘05 was interesting in the way it is to observe a dog chasing its tail. The joy of catching the appendage was often shortlived as they would lose it in the process of again opening their yaps. And, like the dog, they find themselves right back where they started the year. If ‘05 was fun, a lack of any sign they recognize the futility of tail-chasing is sure to make ‘06 even more so. I daydream on that in those rare moments when I am able to disengage myself from scheduled brainwashings at Fox News, and think I have it pretty well nailed down.

• Outraged that oppressive Cardinals chose a religious man to be pope, the ACLU will claim voter fraud, demand religion be removed from the process, and nominate Cindy Sheehan for the job. Unfortunately, while Ramsey Clark is litigating, Sheehan will detonate herself to protest the ongoing occupation of...New Orleans. Big Easy “man on the street” reaction will often produce the response, “Who is Cindy Sheehan?”

• Early in ‘06, northern states and much of Canada will suffer a disturbing trend. Snow will inexplicably melt and the sun will suddenly appear higher in the sky. Michael Moore will release a documentary warning of the coming armeggedon, exclaiming, “All of this ‘season’ propoganda was hatched in a back room of Halliburton by Enron and Bush’s rich white friends while The Chimp read My Pet Goat. What we are facing is the manifestation of a Global Warming disaster. A disaster that might have been averted if Bush had only signed the Kyoto Accords.”

For Moore, it will be the last straw, prompting him to finally sell his lucrative Halliburton stock.

• Howard “America can’t win a sack race” Dean will charge Bush with the clandestine surveillance of Soon-Yi (radical daughter/wife of Woody Allen) on American soil. The New York Times will hype the story, forcing an urgent press conference. Scott McClellan will explain the scandal as a “misunderstanding,” adding that federal agents are actually watching radical Sunnis, not Soon-Yi. After repeated attempts to understand the difference fail, Dean will step down from the DNC over vehement protest from Republicans who think he is doing a great job.

• John “Iraq should terrorize its own citizens” Kerry will denounce media coverage of Iraq’s insurgents as negatively biased. He will explain that it’s not that he supports their cause, he simply will not tolerate another round of “swift-boating” by the right-wing hate cabal. It’s a more “nuanced” position he hopes will catapult him to America’s second choice again in 2008.

• Desperate to please all, Hillary Clinton will die suddenly when her SUV, of its own accord, swerves into a tree on the way to an “Abortion is a necessary evil” rally. While environmentalists mourn the tree - and Hil to a lesser degree, planet-killing car nuts mourn only the SUV. But the common grief of both prompts Hillary to be forever remembered as – in the words of Jimmy Carter – “a uniter, not a divider, just like Yassir Arafat.”

• Harry Reid’s inability to answer spontaneous questions will lead to the discovery that he is actually a wax figure who can say “We killed the Patriot Act. The cow says moo,” when a string is pulled. Waxen Reid will be purchased by Barbra Striesand with money she saved not buying the LA Times.

• In December, Democrats will realize they have wasted another year and still don’t have a platform. They will move immediately to create one.

I know, I know That is probably going too far. Then again, anything could happen in this the new year, if the dog will only outgrow its fascination with its own tail.