Me and the Japanese Mafia

This weeks column, as it will appear:

My parents are trapped somewhere outside of Cancun right now, and I blame the Japanese mafia. Scott Stevens has given me that power.

Stevens is a weatherman in Idaho, though he recently quit his job so he could focus on his burgeoning hurricane theory full-time.

Perhaps conspiracy theory would be a more apt description, and his is the latest in a string of theories to come across our path.

We have all heard the more well known theories. They range from calling the hurricanes the direct result of man’s careless handling of the planet, i.e. global warming, to the theory that they are a direct result of man’s estranged relationship with God.

I’m not sure I am on board with either, to be frank. I can’t shake the feeling that sometimes, randomly and for no discernible reason whatsoever, things happen. Furthermore, I generally translate man’s need to explain every natural disaster by putting the blame back on man as a little arrogant.

In order to be at fault for everything, one first must be in control of everything. In other words, blaming ourselves for natural disasters is akin to ascribing God-like powers to ourselves.

Nevertheless, if there is anything recent tragedies have demonstrated in no uncertain terms, finding someone to blame is the Most Important Thing. So, when my parents failed to heed warnings of an impending hurricane and headed for Cancun; and when they failed to act quickly to secure a flight out before airports closed, I just knew there was someone, other than my parents, that needed to be held accountable. But who?

Bush?

Too predictable...and tired.

FEMA?

Wrong country.

The Mexican government?

This one sounded good, until I tried to verify that Mexico does indeed have a government.

By default then, I concluded that the weatherman must be right.

According to Stevens theory, the Yazuka’s have access to weather super-weapons based on the designs of Nikola Tesla. Stevens further claims that these weapons have existed in both the former Soviet Union and on American soil for some time. What we are actually witnessing then, is a full-scale war for control of the planet and its resources.

As the theory goes, these latest hurricanes were unleashed by Japanese gangsters in retribution for Hiroshima and Nagasaki, which is a theory I could typically get behind, except for one thing.

My history may be fuzzy, but I don’t recall Mexico having much to do with dropping atomic payloads on Japan in the 1940’s.

And, just like that, I am back to square one on the drawing board of blame. After all, who is going to believe that the Japanese mafia is too inept to actually hit the U.S. with its retribution hurricanes?

Nobody. That’s who.

This leaves me in the unenviable position of having to actually blame my parents for their misfortune when they get home next week.

Yikes.

Maybe it would be better to just pin it on Bush after all. That’s what everybody else does.