Al-Zarqawi Checks In

Apparantly I wasn't the only one glued to C-Span a couple of weeks ago when the tools of evil (that's tool as in--"what a tool," as opposed to the word used to describe a useful device created by man to ease difficult tasks) descended on Washington D.C. for their body odor conference.

Al-Zarqawi and the boys had heard their was to be a massive "insurgent offensive" in the U.S., and tuned in to watch the carnage. Al-Zarqawi himself describes the disappointment experienced by himself and his hail-fellows-well-met.

Have you every been at Friday prayers when somebody just totally rips a gigantic falafel gasbomb while the Imam is cursing the crusaders and Jews? That's what it was like around the TV -- total dead silence. And with every shot of another placard-waving elderly hippie moron, every pachouli drum circle, possibly even more silence. Then, when the speakers started up, so did the uncomfortable buzz.

"Where are their weapons, effendi?"

"Well, ya see, um, they are using their um, voices as weapons, um, against empire and occupation, and..."

"It seems they will need much training for the street battles, effendi. Many are appear weak or fat or old."

"Well, see, er, they are basically offering more of a, uh, moral support, and..."

"Will they be conducting martrydom operations soon?"

"Okay, well, not exactly, but..."

"But... are these what the virgins in paradise will look like, effendi?"

Shit. I don't think I'll ever forget the look of horror in that poor Jordanian kid's eyes when the camera panned across that fugly forest of hairy vegan Heathers and uberbutch Andrea Dworkin manatees. And can you blame the poor trembling kid? Holy fargin' Prophet, sometimes I swear the only thing that keeps me motivated is knowing that a restored Caliphate means these hippie bowsers are gonna have their mugs and their bankles safely shielded under a burqqa.

By then the damage was done. I must have spent fifteen minutes trying to calm the boys down, promising them that Paradise is not gonna be a menage-a-72 with a bunch of Unitarian NPR grannies. Luckily, the camera panned to some guy in who was wearing a dynamite belt, which kinda cheered them up momentarily. At that point I didn't have the heart to tell them it was probably fake.

If one reads the entire letter, sent by Al-Zarqawi to Iowahawk, they will note that he is pretty disheartened by the quality of insurgents he has been getting lately. With any luck, evidence of the quality of our insurgency was enough to cheer him up.