While engaged in the time honored tradition of Christmas shopping this year I came across what was for me, at least, an unusual item. Not exactly a 'one of a kind' sadly; but I submit that a tiny white thong, emblazoned with the 'Hello Kitty' logo and pink trim, located in the juniors department, certainly qualifies as unusual. Perhaps I am overly sensitive having a multitude of daughters, but it gave me the creeps to gaze at a thong designed to appeal to and fit a ten-year-old.
After recovering from the initial brain-lock, my reaction was to attack. I attempted to ascertain any possible health risks associated with thongs with which to create the foundation for a 'marketing to minors' lawsuit against the thong industry like that which brought down the evil tobacco companies. I would bring Hello Kitty and the undergarment industry to their knees. That is, until I found conjuring the health risks of thongs just as unsavory as the item itself. Suffice to say I was way out of my comfort zone, cue the disaster alarm.
I settled for simply trying to figure out how a ten-year-old girl would view the addition of a thong to her wardrobe, which otherwise contains floor length 'jammies' boasting the Disney lineup, t-shirts with sayings like 'Little Angel' and 'I'm a handful,' a treasure trove of Scrunchies and of course, decidedly neutral undergarments.
Perhaps the thong would serve as special occasion wear. “Mom! My first communion is today and I can't find my thong.” This remark could only result in a furious search through our multitude of hampers, ending no doubt in a lonely thong floating in a washing-machine set on uber-load. Twenty-five gallons of water later and a girl could enter the kingdom of God with attitude.
The unimaginable health risks, sheer water usage, and the image of my daughter flirting with St. Peter had me increasingly convinced that the thong was not the way to go.
Then again, maybe I was offbase. Maybe I should strive for a more cutting edge attitude. Could the thong emerge, even, as the 'now' father-daughter gift? In today's America, what girl wouldn't want a little ParisHilton leg up at an early age? My daughter could be the envy of the fourth grade class. Jealous little wannabees with 'porn star' stickers on their backpacks would be 'all up in her face.' Throw in a pair of low-riding jeans, allowing the Hello (sex) Kitty message to be prominently displayed every time she ties her shoes and I could be the proud father of a ten-year-old 'be-yatch.' In no time at all she'd be dating a senior and he could drive her to day camp and all those birthday parties.
The kiddy-thong could be the tip of the iceberg. What about a line of lingerie for ten-year-olds or maybe even condoms emblazoned with the Sponge Bob or Bratz logo? A cutting edge entrepreneur could create an entire line of sex-wear for pre-teen girls looking for that 'slut' attitude. Of course I am being facetious, but when a man is stuck along for the ride on shopping excursions his mind tends to wander.
It would ultimately be a testy look of concern from my wife, as she caught me gazing at the suspicious undergarment, which brought me out of my reverie. I can only guess what she may have been thinking, but I wasn't about to ask. The purchasing frenzy was concluded without incident and, thankfully, sans the inclusion of any training thongs. One can only imagine the Christmas morning pictures of the child holding up her new butt-floss and exclaiming “Thanks Mom and Dad, this is just what I wanted. Wait until little Jimmy sees me in it.”
I think if her mom had asked her to model it I would have had to just shoot myself right there in the living room.
In the end I was relieved to maintain the status quo this Christmas. My daughter can get her thongs like the rest of the pre-teeny boppers. She can buy them on her own and hide them at the bottom of her drawer. Mom and Dad's generosity can be reserved for more important and costly items, like cell phones, birth control, and one-year passes to the free clinic.
No comments:
Post a Comment